A Little Problem
by Smileyfax
Summary: Daria wakes up and discovers she has a little problem.
1. Chapter 1

The shrill ring of the alarm clock broke Daria from her dreamless slumber. She grumbled as she fumbled for the off switch -- another day of premiere education at Lawndale High awaited her.

She got out of bed and plodded out of the room on autopilot. She sighed in gratitude as, for once, Quinn didn't comandeer the bathroom before her. She began to go to the bathroom.

As the sleep started to clear itself from her mind, she began to sense that something wasn't quite right. The fact that she was standing up registered itself first. The fact that she was holding something in her hand registered itself second. Finally, she looked down.

The scream woke people up three houses away.

XXXX

Jake was pounding on the door. "Damnit, Daria, what happened? Are you alright? Let me in!"

Daria was in no condition to see her father. "Uh, no dad, I'm...fine." She decided that letting him know she'd grown a body part in the night wouldn't be the wisest course of action. "I just, uh, saw a mouse."

"A mouse? Oh GAWD!" And there's Quinn. The worst moment of her life was now complete. "Daddy, can I use your's and mom's bathroom for the rest of my life?"

"No, Quinn, we'll just get some traps and release them outside," he assured her. "Daria, are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, dad." Daria's mind was desperately trying to figure out what to do. She decided that, for now, she would take things one step at a time.

She examined herself in the full-length mirror. Nothing was protruding. Good.

She opened the door. "All done." She walked past Jake and Quinn, who were both tentatively eyeing the bathroom for rodents. She slipped into her room and locked the door behind her.

"Okay, think, Morgendorffer. It's not every day that a woman grows a...oh hell, there's never a day when this happens!" Daria, in her frustration, kicked a book that lay on the floor. She decided that she would think about it as little as possible and decided to get dressed.

First snag in the 'think about it as little as possible' plan: Her panties no longer fit properly. She glared angrily at the wad of cotton which refused to cooperate. "Fit, damn you! You fit just fine yesterday!" She again pulled them up her legs, but again they were too small to accomodate Daria's addition.

She cursed and tossed them to the side. Her eyes, by chance, happened to fall upon a pair of scissors that rested on her desk. She contemplated them a moment, then shook her head. "Bleeding out wouldn't be worth it. Yet."

Daria sighed and considered what she should do now. Going to school without underwear would end in great disaster if somebody should happen to see up her skirt. Skipping school might work, but that would result in a phone call from Ms. Li and questions from Helen she did not want to answer. She supposed she qualified as being able to call in sick, but again that would mean letting somebody other than her know what happened, something she wanted to avoid for...oh God, what if this was permanent?

She thought about it for a minute more, and came to a decision. She didn't like it, but short of divine intervention it was the only option she had.

She picked up the phone and dialed. "Hi, Jane? I need you to come pick me up. Yes, now. Not in ten minutes, Jane, NOW!"

XXXX

Jane pulled up three minutes later in Trent's car, still wearing her pajamas. She hadn't even had time to put on her customary lipstick. Daria was waiting for her just inside the door, hiding from any sudden breezes. She opened the door and walked over as fast as she could, her arms stiff at her side holding her skirt in place. She very carefully entered the driver's side, keeping her knees locked shut.

Jane watched all this with amusement. "Okay, what's wrong, Daria?"

"Drive, Jane. Take me to your place."

Jane nodded and drove, enough sleep fogging her head that she didn't ask any further questions. They arrived at Casa Lane soon after, and Daria hurried out of the car (again, careful not to expose herself) and slipped into the house before Jane had even turned off the engine.

Upon entering the house, Jane didn't follow Daria immediately up the stairs. Instead, she took a detour to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. She took a drink, sighed as the caffeine banished the sleep fog from her head, and finally went up the stairs.

In her room, Daria stood, hands folded in front of her. "Okay, what's wrong, Daria? You've been acting weird all morning. Is it Tom?"

Daria shook her head.

"Okay, it's Twenty Questions then. Are you pregnant?"

Daria shook her head again.

"Did you see your parents doing it?"

Daria shook her head, but this time Jane was rewarded with a dirty look.

"Hmm...Did Helen recruit you to band camp again?"

Negatory.

Jane rubbed her chin. "Damnit, Daria, I give up. Just tell me!"

Daria opened her mouth. Then she closed it again. Then she opened it, and finally something resembling speech came out. "I...woke up...I...well...I..."

"Aye aye, cap'n!" Jane interjected.

"Not helping, Jane," Daria warned. "It's...well, I can't...oh, just look!" And with that declaration, Daria hiked her skirt up.

Jane looked. After a moment, Daria shoved her skirt down again, and Jane realized her mouth had fallen open, and she was starting to drool. "That...that was beautiful..." Jane gasped. "Can I see it again?"

"No Jane you may not see it again," Daria gritted through her teeth.

"Can I touch it?"

Daria just glared at her, jaw trembling.

"Okay then...what's the problem?"

Daria blinked. "What's the problem? Jane, there are so many answers to that question it boggles the mind. But I suppose the most immediate answer would be...I need something to wear."

"Wear?"

"Underwear."

"Under where?"

Daria glared at Jane again.

"Okay, okay, no bad puns for now. Hm...let me go check something."

Jane left her room and walked over to Trent's, where her brother lay sleeping in the middle of a minefield of mess.

"Trent! Hey, Trent!" she shouted.

"Monique, please, don't..." he muttered. "Uh, wha? Oh, hi Janey."

"Do you have any clean boxers? Daria needs to wear them!"

"Uh, sure. There should be some in the hamper." Trent put his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes.

"Thanks, Trent!" Jane darted back out of the room.

Trent lay prone for a few more moments, then opened his eyes again. "Wait, what? Daria?"

XXXX

Jane returned to Daria with a pair of boxers that had little winged hearts all over them. "Here are some of Trent's boxers. Try these...I know you've been dying to."

Even as she took the unmentionables, Daria still glared at Jane. "Kill you, Lane," she muttered.

After giving the boxers to her, Jane just stared. Daria stared back. Finally, "Uh, look the other way?"

An 'oops' look appeared on Jane's face, and she complied. Several moments passed, and Daria finally said, "It's safe now."

Jane turned back. Daria looked the same, but the boxers had disappeared. (Jane drew the reasonable conclusion that Daria had put them on and not, say, eaten them). "How are they?"

Daria shrugged. "Different."

"So...did you want to go to school today?"

Daria shrugged. "No. But then, that's how I feel every day. I guess I have no choice."

"Well then, get out, Morgendorffer. I've got to get dressed still."

As Jane closed the door behind Daria, she called out, "Oh, and can I have that box you keep under your mattress? I doubt you'll be needing what's inside anymore!"

"I'LL KILL YOU, LANE!" Daria shouted, pounding on the door. Alas, Jane had locked it.

XXXX

Daria warily eyed the students as they passed by her in the hall. A paranoid voice kept whispering in the dark alleys of her mind, 'They know! THEY KNOW!' She, of course, knew that they couldn't possibly know, but she still felt very uncomfortable nonetheless.

She should have been focusing less on her problem and more on the hallway traffic, as she sideswiped Mack. "Oh. Uh, sorry, Mack," she apologized. "I have a lot on my mind today."

"That's alright, Daria. What's bothering you?" he asked her, his face showing mild concern.

"Uh. Well. Girl stuff." Daria internally frowned as she realized that might count as a lie.

"Oh," Mack said. "Well, uh, see you." Mack left, just a little bit faster than he had been going before.

Daria watched him go, then continued down the hallway. Jane, flanking her, noticed something. "Hey Daria, what did you sleep in when you went camping a few years ago?"

"A tent. Why?" Daria asked. Jane just stared at her.

Daria connected the dots and glanced down. "Oh hell," she uttered, and turned tail to the nearest bathroom.

XXXX

"Daria, you have to come out of there sometime!" Jane called to her friend.

"I will, as soon as everybody else dies," Daria replied from within the stall.

"Damnit, Daria, that's not going to happen anytime soon and you know it! Come on, you can...I can get a book from your locker, and you can use that as camouflage!"

Jane left without an answer from Daria, leaving her alone to her thoughts.

Daria wondered if the condition was genetic, and immediately dismissed the idea as stupid as hell.

She heard the door to the bathroom open up, and wondered if it was Jane.

"...so then daddy said I had to use the bathroom anyway!"

Quinn again. Great.

"Oh Quinn, that is just so sad!" Sandi consoled her friend. "Nobody should be forced to share their facilities with a rodent. You're welcome to stay over at my place until it's once again safe to use your own restroom."

"Oh Sandi, you're the greatest!"

"I know, I know..." Their voices trailed off as the door to the bathroom opened again, signifying their exit.

Well, at least Daria's ruse had one benefit: less Quinn overall.

The door opened again, and this time it was Jane. "Here's the book, Daria," she said, passing it under the door.

Daria took it, looked at the title, and groaned. It was Hard Times, by Charles Dickens.

XXXX

Daria and Jane finally made it to their first period English class. They took their seats and waited for class to begin.

Mr. DeMartino walked in and began writing on the chalkboard. "Today, class, we'll be discussing the ERECTION of the Berlin WALL."

Jane began giggling. Mr. DeMartino turned to her.

"Ms. Lane, do you find something FUNNY about the word ERECTION?"

Jane's giggles increased in intensity, up to chortles.

He approached her desk now. "Perhaps you'd like to share with the class what you find funny about ERECTIONS!"

"Hey...erections! Heh heh heh heh!" Kevin began laughing too as he suddenly understood why the word was funny.

Daria banged her head on the desk repeatedly. It was going to be a long, hard day.

...Damn. 


	2. Chapter 2

Daria entered her room with relief. The hellish day was not yet over, but at least she had escaped school. She and Jane had stopped by a clothing shop on Dega Street and picked Daria up a package of boxers (respectable plaid ones) to replace her now-useless panties. Jane, of course, had suggested that they stop into the 'specialty boutique' down the road and pick up some panties that lacked a crotch, but Daria's death-glare had vetoed it.

Daria was now able to focus on a big problem that had been bothering her most of the day. She looked down at her skirt, which was still tenting out. She sighed and remembered the time she had read a book on puberty, procured her sister's mirror, and proceeded to explore herself. She reasoned this would be no different, except for the little fact that she now had different plumbing. And she didn't have to steal Quinn's mirror.

XXXX

"EWWWWWWWWWW!"

Jake, who happened to be upstairs, rushed to Daria's cry for the second time that day. "Daria! What happened? Are you alright?"

"Uh. I'm fine, Dad," she called, sounding hesitant. "I just. Uh. Saw a...I saw the mouse again." Daria grumbled mentally at herself for such a weak excuse. She had tossed the soiled tissues into her trash can, made herself look presentable, and opened the door. "Uh. Dad, can I, um, stay at Jane's for a few days? Until you catch the mouse?" Daria hated pretending she had a fear of rodents, but it seemed like the best course of action.

"Sure thing, kiddo! Just, you know, be sure to come back for dinner every day. I got a new cookbook!"

Daria resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Sure thing, Dad."

XXXX

Jane was clutching her belly, laughing out loud. Daria merely glared at her. "Oh, Daria, next time you have to let me watch!"

"How about I take your eyes out and put them in a jar on my nightstand?"

"Eh, whatever works." Jane wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Hey Janey, have you seen my boxers?" Trent was standing at the door to Jane's room. "They're the ones with little hearts on them...oh, hey Daria."

"Actually, Trent, you loaned Daria your boxers this morning, remember?" Jane helpfully reminded him. Daria's face had turned a deep crimson, though judging by her facial expression she wasn't feeling embarassed.

Trent looked at Daria and Jane, then back to Daria again. "I'll...uh...look in the basement," he said, retreating as fast as was tactful.

Jane turned to Daria. "Oh, lighten up, amiga." She looked down at Daria's skirt. "Well, not literally, but whatever works for you."

Daria looked down. "Goddamnit."

XXXX

Daria walked back into Jane's room several minutes later. She noticed Jane was grinning widely. "Spill it, Lane."

"Young Thomas called, it seems you two had a date tonight. I told him you'd be ready by the time he got here...in about twenty minutes."

Daria opened her mouth, then closed it. "I don't suppose it's too late to make a noose and hang myself?"

"Oh, Daria, you're already hung!"

Daria struggled to keep her hands from wrapping around Jane's neck.

XXXX

Daria came out of the bathroom again, handing the roll of duct tape back to Jane. "It's almost like you're on the Internet," Jane remarked.

"What?" Daria demanded, thinking that Jane had installed a webcam in the bathroom.

Jane held up the roll of tape. "Guaranteed pop-up blocker!"

Before Daria could punch Jane, a familiar horn beeped twice outside, heralding the arrival of Tom. Jane gave her an encouraging push and a knowing wink. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do! But feel free to do anything I merely couldn't do due to my differing biology!"

Daria gave Jane one last glare before stoically marching down the stairs one-by-one. She greeted Tom at the door with a kiss and the usual pleasantries, but her mind was focused on how uncomfortable the tape was becoming. She slid into the passenger side of his car and tried to focus on what he was saying.

"So, I thought we'd see a movie," he said.

"Oh? Which one?"

"The Crying Game."

Daria began hitting her head on the dashboard.

"...I guess we could see something else."

XXXX

Tom looked over at Daria. They had finished watching the movie, with Daria being uncharacteristically quiet all throughout. Not even a single snark. Tom had attempted to strike up a conversation several times, but Daria had been locked up tight.

He pulled up in front of Jane's house per her request. She had already called her father to let him know that she had dinner at his place. Now, Daria hesitated to get out of the car.

"Daria, what did I do wrong now?" Tom asked, sure that the silent treatment had been his fault for some inscrutable reason.

"Huh?" she said. "Oh, uh, nothing, Tom."

"Then what's been bothering you all evening? You hardly said a word during that movie."

"Uh. Well. I've been having some personal problems today."

Understanding blossomed in Tom's mind. "Oh. Uh. Sorry. If I'd known, I wouldn't have-"

"Don't worry about it, Tom. I'll see you...uh, next week."

They kissed once more and Daria exited the car. She made her way into Jane's house, stomped up the stairs, past a surprised Jane, and slammed the bathroom door behind her.

Twenty minutes later, she walked out, crumpled ball of duct tape in one hand, and went into Jane's room. She discarded the tape and sat down with a sigh on Jane's bed.

"Jane, I don't know how the hell guys get through the day without going crazy."

"The same way you got through the day, I imagine," Jane informed her. "Oh, and if you keep using it up, I'm going to make you pay for the toilet paper." 


	3. Chapter 3

Several weeks had passed, and Daria was getting more and more used to her addition. She had been avoiding Tom...and Trent...and Mack...and Kevin...and basically every physically attractive guy in her life. Not that it helped curtail her urges at all.

The teachers were starting to suspect something, too. "Is there something different about you today, Daria?" Ms. Barch had asked.

"Uh. No."

Ms. Barch's brow was wrinkled in thought. "I don't know...are you sure? You smell like...a man. Has that red-headed weasel been fondling you?"

Daria vigorously shook her head, blush creeping up her face.

"Okay, Daria...just remember, if a man ever tries to touch you, kick him in the...well, you know."

Daria knew all too well.

XXXX

When she returned home that day, Tom was waiting for her outside the house.

"Damnit, Daria, why have you been avoiding me?"

"Personal problems," Daria explained, trying to dodge past him and into the house.

"Daria, it's been two weeks. If your cycle lasted that long, you would have died of blood loss by now."

"It's...it was never that," she said in a very small voice.

"Daria, please, talk to me. I'm your boyfriend, you should trust me with this kind of thing."

Daria appeared to be thinking for a moment. "Tom, what's the most horrific thing you can imagine?"

"Hm, let's see...ah! You've decided to become a model."

"Damnit, Tom, this is serious!" she shouted. Well, that wiped the smirk off his face.

"Come on, Daria. Please tell me."

She regarded him a moment longer. "...Okay. But I can only show you in my room."

She opened the front door and they entered the house.

XXXX

Elsie was reclining on a couch in Manse Sloane when her elder brother Tom walked into the room, sat on the opposite side of the couch, and put his head in his hands.

"What's the matter, Tom? How did your talk with Daria go?"

He lifted his head, tried to form words with his mouth, but only succeeded in squeaking a little.

Elsie leaned forward. "Tom, you ass, did you lose another girlfriend?"

Tom slowly nodded.

"Well, what did you do this time?"

Tom shook his head.

"...Well then, what happened?!" Elsie demanded.

He finally turned to face Elsie. "Did she have to be bigger than me?" He put his head back into his hands as Elsie wondered what the hell that meant.

XXXX

"So, you're a single girl again, amiga?" Jane said over the phone.

"Yeah. At least he promised not to tell anybody."

"Right. So...can I touch it now?"

Jane held the phone away from her ear as it was flooded with loud curses and death threats. Finally, the tirade died down.

"Was that a yes or a no?"

"That's a negative, Jane. Ask again and they'll have to bury you in a thousand different coffins." 


	4. Chapter 4

Daria missed being able to lay on her stomach. Oh, she COULD, but doing so would be painful in her condition.

She had attempted to research what may have caused her condition in the first place, but had had no luck. The library only had medical texts and a few art books -- the medical texts all stated that women like her did exist, but they were born with their plumbing -- it didn't just grow in overnight. And the art books only had old pottery and statues from the Roman Empire -- very unhelpful.

She had tried the Internet as a last resort. Besides a disturbingly high number of pornographic websites, the only thing she could find even remotely resembling her situation was genital retraction syndrome, where an individual or group of men -- specifically, men indigenous to Africa -- were under the belief that their genitals were shrinking or had disappeared entirely. But Daria's problem was definitely not psychological, and it was definitely not shrinking. Scowling, she locked the door to the bedroom and almost decided not to answer the phone.

"Great news, amiga!" Jane cheerfully greeted.

"You found a cheap, discrete surgeon?" Daria asked.

"Better! I found a guy who knows all about your problem!"

"Oh, which problem is that? The one relating to my anatomy, or the one relating to my bitch of a friend telling every stranger about my anatomy?"

"Daria, what kind of a best friend would I be if I didn't embarrass you as much as I could?"

XXXX

"Jane?" Daria called as she entered the Lane homestead.

"Up here, Daria!" Jane called from her room upstairs.

Daria stepped into the doorway, and groaned. "Oh no, not you again. Jane, I thought we agreed that NEVER HAPPENED."

"Eh, you wanted me to agree that what happened to you never happened, so I figured why not mix the two and see what happened?"

Daria gritted her teeth and turned to Jane's guest. "Fine. Do you know what happened to me?"

"Oh yeah," Cupid replied. "You've become an aspect avatar."

"...A what?"

"An aspect avatar. That's when a god or a goddess -- Venus, in this case -- makes a human an avatar of one of their aspects -- in this case, fertility."

"Venus? As in the Roman goddess?"

"Yes, as in the Roman goddess. I first manifested in Rome myself, you know, as her son, so I really do know what I'm talking about." He thought for a moment, then chuckled. "I remember this one time, she gave the high priest of Mars a pair of breasts a fortnight before the army was to march off and invade some dinky tribe in the north of England, and it demoralized the troops so bad that they lost."

"That's great," Daria deadpanned. "How do I make it go away?"

Cupid hmmed. "Well, you can't just make it go away on its own. I mean, Mom doesn't have the power to expend on pranks these days, so at least you're not stuck with it forever. She has so few worshippers that whenever one of them makes a request, she usually does her best to fulfill it."

"That still doesn't answer how I get rid of it," Daria pointed out.

"True, true," Cupid admitted. "Well, since your aspect is fertility, that means you're going to have to...sleep with someone. Probably the worshipper. Sorry," he offered.

"Your regret is heartening," Daria said in a tone that belied the words. "Why do I have to sleep with someone?"

"Well, to promote their fertility, basically. Whomever you sleep with will become pregnant, and then your, uh...well, it goes away."

Daria thought about it for a minute. "How do I find the person I have to sleep with?"

"Well, do you know anybody who really wants love, beauty, and fertility?"

Daria and Jane traded a look.

"I think we might know somebody like that," Jane said, trying to resist laughing.

XXXX

Daria, Jane, and Cupid stood at the door of the mansion located in Crewe Neck. They had already rung the doorbell, and were waiting for the resident inside to answer it.

Charles Ruttheimer the Third answered, clad in a velvet robe reminiscent of Hugh Hefner. "Do my eyes deceive me, or are there two visions of beauty at my door?" He noticed Cupid. "And...uh...some guy in a toga. Tell me, ladies...and you, my toga-wearing friend...what brings you to stately Ruttheimer manor?"

"Ten inches of meat," Daria replied angrily.

Upchuck blanched. "Uh. Well. I mean. I don't know what you've heard, but I'm tragically not that well-endowed..."

Daria marched past him, catching his arm and dragging him along. "Your bedroom. Now," she demanded, straightforward.

"Feisty!" he shouted, for what would probably be the last time in his life.

Jane and Cupid walked in after the two had disappeared from sight, looked around a bit, and finally settled into the living room which had a nice big-screen TV. As Jane began channel surfing, they suddenly heard Upchuck screaming, "NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!" and then nothing.

After deciding on Sick, Sad World, they again heard Upchuck's screams, much less fearful than they were before. "YES! YESSSSS!" Jane merely turned up the volume until his cries of pleasure were drowned out.

XXXX

"So Venus actually heard my request?" Upchuck said, dumbfounded. Daria had come down first, followed half a minute later by Upchuck, with a dazed grin on his face. Cupid had explained why Daria had just made a man out of him "That's amazing! I never thought it'd actually work, much less come in the form of the divine Daria."

"Cram it, Upchuck," Daria threatened.

"So now I get to be ultra-virile, right? Scoring ladies left and right?" Upchuck asked hopefully.

"Man, you didn't do your homework, did you?" Cupid asked. "If you wanted virility, you should have prayed to Mutinus Mutunus. You're fertile, dude."

"I hope your father doesn't mind installing a nursery in the next nine months," Jane snarked.

"What?" Upchuck asked nervously. "But I'm a guy!"

"And I'm a girl, but I didn't have any trouble doing any of what I did to you," Daria pointed out. She got up to leave, with Jane and Cupid following their example.

"Please! There has to be something I can do!"

"Nope, sorry," Cupid apologized. "I wouldn't even think about an abortion, if I were you. Mom -- er, Venus -- really wouldn't appreciate that."

They left Upchuck then, as he began sobbing.

XXXX

The drive to the Good Times restaurant was silent. As Cupid left, he offered one last piece of advice to the two girls. "If either of you grow any unusual body parts again, feel free to look me up, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Jane replied, then drove off.

"So, is it gone now?" Jane finally asked after a few minutes.

Daria nodded.

"Aww," Jane pouted.

XXXXXXXXXX

I've got an epilogue coming up, so stay tuned! 


End file.
